Wanderer: A Reflection, part 1

As I have young children now, I have an inside view from where I can compare and contrast their interests with mine when I was 7.  I have always been very sensitive and empathic to others.  And I’ve always had interests that were not “normal.” Growing up in the Dallas/Fort Worth area in the 80’s and 90’s, I remember when I was in first grade (age 7), I began telling the two neighborhood kids across our field that I was an alien and that my mother was chosen to be an adopted mother.  The funny thing is, is that while I knew this wasn’t true on one level, I knew that it was true on another level.  I remember visiting relatives in rural OK one summer and talking to my cousin, same age as me (7), that I knew I was from outer space. She didn’t believe me and I think I was trying to convince her. Ha! Then she went indoors and I remember looking up at the sky with a feeling of longing and connection at the same time. I noticed a large star, the same size as the moon (which was full) on the other side of the sky. It was whitish blue, bright, with a purple/violet aura or “netting” around it.  I somehow felt connected to that and remember thinking that I’m seeing a UFO.  It didn’t move and I went inside at some point.  I don’t remember if I saw it again that night or not.  I’ve never seen it again but it has burned in my mind as a memory.  Also in first grade, I remember watching a movie called “Cat from Outer Space” and I was so drawn to the movie that I made 3-D paper models of the UFO that took the cat away.  In second grade, I ordered a book about UFOs from those book stores that give the kids the brochures.  It was the only book that interested me.  I don’t have the book anymore (I can’t find it), but I used to pour into that and look at the pictures and just knew that it was true…that there were aliens and that there are people on Earth who knew what was going on.  Two other movies that I saw over and over again was Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Escape to Witch Mountain.  Both of them I longed to be main characters and felt that I was, but I couldn’t prove it to anyone on a physical level.  I never told anyone this stuff because who would understand?  These weren’t just movies to me, they were pointing at a reality that was real for me.  But I didn’t have the vocabulary, environmental support, or background to explore this hunger with other people.  As I got older, I would buy books that would deal with the mysterious, ESP, OBE’s, Ufology, Cryptozoology, etc.  My poor parents thought I was just weird (which I am, proudly).  Many times in our hot tub, I would star at the floating thermometer and try to make it move with my mind.  Sometimes I convinced myself that it was working.

I also have always had a spiritual longing for God. My background is Christianity, Catholic in particular, and even for a elementary school aged kid I had a pretty intense prayer life. I would sometimes take it upon myself to try teaching my friends (2nd grade) the ideas of God, and faith.  I also felt that there was an intense battle between God and the devil and I was on God’s side.  I remember in 1st grade I would sometimes ride the bus home with my middle finger pointed to the ground in an effort to damn the devil.  Funny now, when I think of it, but I always have had this intense connection to the other side of veil, even though I couldn’t see anything strange with my physical eyes.  I remember another time in 9th grade when one night I prayed to see how Jesus sees. The next day, I saw an overweight girl who I would have normally considered “fat” and would have judged her like most insecure high school students.  However, this day, something new happened.  I noticed that I saw her with a kind of radiance around her body, not one that my physical eyes picked up but an inner vision that showed her to be glowing and that Jesus loved this girl with such perfect love, equal to everyone else. It was as if I saw her soul or true self. The moment passed but I have always hung on to this memory.  I also remember in the early grades that in Sunday school, the teacher would ask questions about God or faith and I knew all of the answers.  One kid once asked me, “How do you know all of this stuff?” Embarrassed, I said that I just read the books that came with the class beforehand.

In the outer world, I was a young, strapping lad who was good at sports, particularly baseball, and had a strong Texas accent (I’ve seen the videos of me in 7th grade, wow!).  Throughout high school, I was the star pitcher for my class and this gave me my outside identity.  In hindsight, I am very lucky that I had this external identity that allowed me to survive emotionally because I was and am so sensitive.  As we got older in school, my male friends began to have sexual experiences.  I didn’t. It’s not that I didn’t want to at all. It’s just that somehow there was a part of me that saw that everyone was playing this stupid game that I didn’t understand.  I would see how guys would just act very differently around girls and then I’d see the girls falling for it.  Then the girls would be sad after sex and the guys would gloat.  I just didn’t understand it on a deeper level. On a superficial level, I was envious of the guys who got the girls.  I just couldn’t treat a girl without the highest level of respect because I saw them as people in my heart of hearts; even though I’d totally make an object out of them in my mind at home while masturbating.  I’m not saying I was/am any better than anyone else in sexuality (at all!), but there was this very defined inner layer of ethics that did not allow me to play the game but actually be in disgust of it.  I felt like an outsider especially as all of my friends had sex by the time of graduation and I didn’t until I was 25.  In fact, once when I was 23 and living in Nicaragua, I went to a counselor for one session to talk about some issues.  When I told him that I was a virgin (he was from the States), he actually thought that I must have been sexually abused and tried to hypnotize me to see if he could uncover anything that I had repressed.  The concept that I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex was not even conceivable for him and when I told him, he didn’t believe that that could be the real reason.

I was either going to be a Franciscan priest or be married, that was my big dilemma for a long time.  After 18 months in Nicaragua, I returned to the US and went to a college in the Northeast and got a Masters in Pastoral Ministry and a Masters in Clinical Social Work. In Boston, I met my future wife.  Our life together has played out that now I am a stay at home father of three kids and this has given me time to reconnect with my earlier life of searching in things esoteric.  A friend of mine had a spiritual director and often spoke about their work together.  I wasn’t interested in meeting with a person regarding spirituality because when I had done this in the past with people with PhDs in theology behind their name and/or priests, I often found myself moving at deeper levels than them and they often found talking to me to be more of a release for them! One night in April, 2013, I was working late.  Usually, after seeing clients and I was finishing my notes, I would turned up the music and it would be things like hardcore dance music (DeadM5, etc).  This one night, I “heard” a voice that said, type in (in youtube), “Buddhist chant.”  I had never been interested in that kind of music before.  I did and what came up was, “Ho Pad me Hum.” As I was listening to this chant, a new kind of sensation began to happen.  A lightening of my inner life, an enlivening, a warming, and enlightening of my inner being began to take place.  It was as if a golden dew descended and rested in my heart.  Or perhaps once might say that might personal vibrations jumped up a  few notches in frequency. That day was the last day that I have intentionally listened to secular music.  For a few months thereafter I would listen to Snatum Kaur and others of that genre.  Eventually, I moved into silence and found the music there to be intoxicating.

In May, 2013, my spiritual life took off again and I began to get re-interested in esoteric thoughts and new age ideas. This concerned me but was also intriguing.  I didn’t know what to make of it, and I began to feel this nudge (Spirit) to ask my friend about his spiritual director.  I got his number and called him.

This spiritual director opened me up to another world of the mind and spirit that was at once new but somehow a remembering of things from the past.  From past lives, that is.  He never walked ahead of me but let my own search be the guide and he would give me leads to info that seemed appropriate to where I, myself, wanted to go. And then, on September 1st, 2013, I hit the beginning of the next level.  He introduced me to the Law of One series. Before I read one word of the actually series, I went to the L/l Research website and was drawn to the word, “Wanderers.”  What I read there could be considered one of my pivotal points in my life thus far as it allowed me to see in hindsight  much more clearly.  I remember being stunned and I could not sleep at all that night but sat in the couch, in the dark, in silence, in total awe.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s