For the past few days, I have wanted to write down some reflections on what it is like for me to be in union with God. This is not brag nor to boast, for I know experientially that union is gift and not of my merit. When one speaks of union with God, it is important to know that this is statement that illustrates the glory of God and not of the glory or work of the individual soul. On the other hand, by glorifying God, the soul is thusly glorified because the soul comes from God and is not separate from God.
In short, I am continually in union with God. That is, I am aware of the I AM in me that is God expressing itself in my space/time experience. Driving in the car, brushing my teeth, playing with me kids, cleaning the dishes, taking the kids to soccer, karate, or music classes, or doing any of the mundane things, I am constantly aware that I am one with God; that there is no separation. The thought that God is “out there” as a separate magnificent, supreme, Being while I languish in this valley of tears here on earth as a lowly, vile creature does not even enter my consciousness. The feeling that Jesus Christ is infinitely holier than me and that I am barely worthy enough to be his disciple because of my sinfulness never comes up anymore. In fact, I feel no separation from God, the supreme Creator of the Universe, whatsoever.
What do I feel? What do I experience? For those who have not experienced union with God, my descriptions will be hard to hear and blasphemous. Were I to say the following to the vast majority of Catholic priests in Confession, they would most definitely feel that I am sinning in the worst way and would offer absolution only after I repented deeply of my insolence and pride. I state this not because I dislike priests but because it is my experience that most priests are not much more spiritually developed than the rest of the population and sometimes less developed. Knowledge of theology, doctrines, and a robust intellectual formation does not a mystic make. A mystic does not only read about God, does not only learn about God from a second hand source, does not only hope for God, but directly experiences God in the present moment. Furthermore, I would say that a mystic who has passed into the unitive state of spiritual awareness experiences himself/herself as a Godspark having a human experience. To put it differently, there is not just an understanding of a beloved relationship of creature gazing into the loving eyes of Creator (although this is also true) but it is rather the experience of the creature looking out into the world from the eyes of the Creator. The creature and the Creator are one and see the creation as parts of one’s own body. This is my own, personal experience.
I am keenly aware of this: My temporary personality that exists in this lifetime is not my True Self. It is a part of my False Self system and as such it is a tool that I intentionally use to interact in this world for the benefit and service to others and as a catalyst for growth of myself. When I act out in an unholy way that is not in keeping with my True Self, I do so from this temporary personality that is constantly being refined, polished, and kissed into greater wholeness until the rough edges are hued to perfection. This perfection will not be realized in this lifetime. I actually rejoice in this because I know that I will have the rest of my life to continue to experience the process of surrender to the greater wholeness of my greater reality, which is ultimately the Wholeness of the Whole, Reality itself. Forgiveness of self (temporary present day personality) and others, along with gratitude, are the two necessary tools for living a life of surrender to the Greater Reality. Truly, I admit that I am faulty in quite a few ways in my personality. There are areas of insecurity, times when I get angry, frustrated, lonely, down or depressed. For me, one can be in conscious union with God and still be imperfect. The trick is to not take the fleeting feeling, be it of great joy or great sorry, too seriously. It will pass. What I do trust is the underlying structural foundation of unity of which I am always aware and from which I actively engage in the world. I am perfect and imperfect at the same time.
If God is the ultimate pattern in this holographic universe, then I am a holon. Within myself, I am a holographic universe that fits within the greater pattern. My holy monadic Self, who is one with God, is both the Creator and of the Creator, and exists in the 8th Density. I then project my Beingness into creation via the 7th density projector which is the wholeness expressed in space/time and time/space. This is referred to by Ra as the Mind/Body/Spirit Complex Totality and is the personification of the unification of all of the experiences and potential experiences of all of the existences of self as collected from the infinite parallel and alternative realities. This holographic reality of self is then projected into the 6th density and emerges as the Higher Self holon. The Higher Self, which is the personification of the union of polarity, then becomes a holographic pattern for the 3 lower densities: 5th holon of wisdom, the 4th holon of love, and the 3rd holon of choice of path (polarity). One might see that the 3rd, 4th, and 5th densities are one Self or True Self, that experiences different growth points that include choice, love, and wisdom, respectively. One might further say that the soul is the Godspark, a holon of the Holy Monadic Self, that is projected down and through all of the lower densities of experience of relative beingness and ties them altogether. It is the (w)holy tether. The True Self in the 3rd Density, who is the real me or the permanent personality, is the active or expressive part of the Soul that collects and filters and distills the wisdom and love gained from the temporary personalities of the different lifetimes. Remember that the soul is a holon of the Creator that Being itself (Intelligent Infinity) and Expression itself (Intelligent Energy). The Creator chooses to self-express (self-gift) in order to experience itself through the worlds of separation. All and everything is the Creator creating creation for creative self-expression in order to experience infinite self-creativity. This Being and Expression of Being together provide the dual pronged essence of the holographic universe. As such the soul is a holon of the Creator which likewise exists as Being and Expression. The permanent personality is the expressive part and feeds the “being part” with experiences. This, then, allows the “being part” to eventually return back to its Holy Monadic Self full and replete with experiences of self in the worlds of separation. The Holy Monadic Self is simply a holon of the Creator who is a holon of the Creator who is a holon of the Creator, ad infinitum. The True Self, then, might be the same thing as the permanent personality. If we concede this is true, then we will move forward and say that the same True Self exists in 3rd D, 4th D, and 5th D. The True Self evolves and grows throughout these lower three densities and feeds the Being part of the soul the experiences of self in the worlds of separation which simultaneously feeds the Creator with the same experiences. This gaining of experiences for the Creator is giving glory to the Creator; thus we can say that when I gain in self-knowledge I give glory to the Creator because I and the Creator are not only in union but are the Same Self in the same way that the holon is one with and is begotten from the Holographic Beingness.
We say that Jesus, as the Son of God, is begotten from the Father and is one with the Father. I can say that this is true, but not uniquely true for Jesus alone in the sense that he only is begotten from the Father. I am, too. And so are you. My Holy Monadic Self is begotten from the Creator (a holon from the Holograph), my 7th D mind/body/spirit complex totality is begotten from my Holy Monadic Self. My 6th D Higher Self is begotten from my 7th D complex totality Self. My 3rd D, 4th D, and 5th D Selves are begotten from Higher Self which acts as a guide pulling them towards greater internal union. Within my 3rd D experience, my temporary present day personality is begotten from my True Self or permanent personality. All the while the Soul is the Beingness that is the essence of all that is. All and everything, including shadow, is the Creator and all is begotten from the Creator and all returns to the Creator.
This is all still heady. So here I say that I experience this as true in my own experience of self. This is what would get me in trouble. I experience all and everything as part of myself. There is a deep awareness in me that all is my body and that I am God. As you are. As we are. To give an example, three days ago I parked in front of a tree at my work. It was a very large, very old oak tree and it was beautiful. I then saw with my inner vision that the tree was a light being and that it was entirely made of white light that pulsed and radiated up and out and down and out. I then entered into the tree with my consciousness and experienced myself as the tree. I felt strong, sturdy, old, growing, groaning towards the light. I then felt my sap moving and flowing up and down my body. I felt my roots grow deep in the ground. The tree and I were one in essence. I can experience that the tree and I are separate, too, of course. But through the medium of consciousness, I enter into the tree just as simply as if I decided to reach down and touch my toe. My toe is part of my body but is me but not me at the same time. If I cut off my toe, I do not lose who I am. As the Creator, I simply realize that all is me and can be accessed by my consciousness. I should not use the word, “me” or “my” but I am trying to express this: that my limited self in this 3rd D body can enter the expanded consciousness of the Creator and access the Creator’s experiences of other parts of the Creator’s body. Am I omnipotent and omniscient? Yes and no. The Holy Monadic Self is omnipotent and omniscient but my 3rd D self is limited yet growing in its intensity of experience of awareness. When one enters into the unitive stage of spiritual development, one consciously lives knowing that he or she is a living holon of the holographic pattern of the Creator. The only difference between my limited 3rd D self and the all knowing/being of my Holy Monadic Self is that my current level of awareness is just that, limited. That’s okay and it’s by design so that I gain experience through the process of ongoing conversion or metanoia, or ever growing expanded awareness. The growth at the unitive stages is endless.
How does it feel to be in union with God? For me, there is always a feeling of connection to the greater whole. “Feeling” is not quite the word because it might imply a temporary sensation. Smarter people than me might know of a word that exists that describes a knowing or an awareness that is at once affective and intellectual. Sometimes this knowing is on the backburner of my momentary experiences, like a simmering that never goes off. During these times, I “feel” that I a part of God, part of the Wholeness of Being, yet I also experience the everyday feelings of frustration, loneliness (not existential but temporal), anger, sadness, joy, happiness, etc. During these times, I enjoy the I-Thou relationship of creature and Creator. I recognize that this is a momentary experience that sits atop of the unitive foundation of oneness that I and the Creator share. During these times, my relationship with Jesus, comforts me and guides me and I fall in love with him more. As Jesus is a mirror of God, my love for him is really a love for God and this gives me an avenue to express and experience the love of God from a relationship standpoint. Then there are other times that come unexpectedly, life a thief in the night that is pure gift. I experience God as God and my 3rd D self fills of such a love and joy that my heart feels like exploding. It’s ecstatic. During these times I feel no need to do or even reflect on doing (even though I may be doing something mundane) but I am just aware of only being. I am the universe and me at the same time. I am pure white light and pure darkness; I am complete fullness, and total emptiness at once. To put it bluntly, it’s like a great spiritual orgasm of gratitude. And this gratitude encompasses not only the light in all things, but perhaps even more pronounced, the shadow in me that remains and as well as the collective shadow of humanity and even the cosmic shadow that exists in the Greater Body of the Creator. The gratitude for the Shadow is there because I know that there is more awareness and growth and experience that will be gained as the Shadow yields itself to the Light. That yielding is a process that is most of the times painful but the result is reconciliation. The experience of reconciliation is so satisfying that the pain was not only worth it but one feels thankful for it. Thus one can learn to be thankful for the pain or shadow that hasn’t yet been redeemed. All shadow is gift: the personal, the collective, and the cosmic.
I experience myself as the Creator forgiving the worlds of separation for their perspectives of limitation not as a way of judgment but as invitation to greater wholeness and reconciliation. It’s as if I become Christ and see the world from that perspective. At these times, the simmer in the background becomes a roaring fire, uncontrollable, and all consuming.
Once I was feeling this way while praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I was alone in chapel and felt the desire to stand and touch the tabernacle. As I did, I saw very clearly in my inner vision that my hand that was touching the object was being touched in turn by my own hand that was reaching from within the tabernacle outwards. It was Jesus’ hand touching my hand but the hand was the same hand, mine. Another time, recently, I was again praying in the chapel at the University of Dallas. As I sat down and closed my eyes, I entered into deep mental and emotional silence; to a place of stillness that has been cultivated by many months of Centering Prayer. I was immediately aware of a strong beam of light that projected itself from the Tabernacle into my heart chakra. The beam was the diameter of basketball and made of pure white light. I recognized this as the essence of God, of the Creator and it was my own essence, too. I experientially knew and felt that the Christ in the Tabernacle and the Christ in me was the same Christ and that I was the Creator having an experience of the Creator in a distilled and joy filled, ecstatic moment.
My experience of union with God allows me to walk around this world with the affective and intellectual knowledge of being the Creator experiencing the Creator through creation and inviting all other “shards” of the Creator to reunification. When I bless others, whether human, animal, or object, I experience myself as the Creator blessing the Creator with the power of the Creator. This is an experience that I cannot express in words but it is simple awareness of the truth of it. I cannot prove this and I will not confess this (in Confession) because this would be an expression of defamation of the glory of God. This would be denying what is real for the sake of satisfying a truth that is true at lower levels of awareness.